Wednesday, August 30, 2017

#Uganda must learn how to use the phone and Internet.

I grew up around phones and later computers. Our phone had a padlock. Mzee used to lock it at 9pm and unlock it at 9am. This was to prevent us from calling people after 9pm and before 9am.
For the life of me, I do not understand why Ugandans call me at 5am their time (11pm my time). When I used to answer the phone, I would ask why they were calling me at 11pm. Some would proudly tell me it is 5am in Uganda. Seriously? Get a wife, life or both! What happened to manners? You roll out of bed at 5am and before going to dig and grow cassava you call Leah. It is an insanity of immense proportion. And please learn time zones.
God is my witness. I never call Uganda or send SMS outside 9pm and 9am.
But it gets worse. Some people joyfully use video calling. I come from a very big clan and never video call any of my siblings. You on the other hand call me even at 2am using video. I could be naked and in bed. I could be getting lucky. I could be asleep and rushing to the phone as it might be an emergency and my family might be calling because someone is sick. Or it could be France calling looking for their son. So I grab the phone only to hear "tsap dia". Kumanina. I can use other big words.
Most people who call at strange hours are total strangers. A phone directory has some 5 million names and numbers. Do you randomly call them any time because you see their number?
India has become India. Some idiots call me in the middle of the night telling me the home server has a virus and may I work with them to resolve it. They will proudly tell me they work for Microsoft. As if Microsoft does not know timezones! 😡😡
Then marketing companies. My kid is burned out from school and now it is midnite and we are correcting the last paragraph on Dead Poet Society essay. "Miss Marta, we will sell you Internet for cheap. How much are you paying now?" Me "I am sorry but this kid needs to go sleep and we are finishing her essay". The tumbafu proceeds to tell me "okay. After essay we talk?". Yeah buddy, it will be 1am.
Of course some of you will say I should not make my phone public. You are wrong.
One time at 10pm my time (4am Uganda time), a total stranger called me from Kampala. He was a genius. Straight away "I got a your number from Facebook. My wife is dying. Please help me". I asked some questions. In the end it turned out the woman had been vomiting all night and was now very weak. The husband was unsure if the wife was preggo. At 4am in Uganda it is not easy to find an open clinic or medics in a hospital. So I stayed on the phone for 4hrs till it was day time at home. This is when I wrote about ORS. He had sugar, salt and water. We boiled the water and did the migix. The lady drunk. We had to rehydrate her. By daytime when they got to Mulago she was okay. Turned out to be pregnant.
Are you thinking what I am thinking? The baby was named Leah. Bang! #IthinkIamFunny!
Please do not randomly call me unless you have an emergency. I have no medical training but I raised 4 girls so I can talk with you to help you till you see a professional doctor.
Martha Leah Nangalama
Mobile / WhatsApp +15068716371. I am 6hrs behind Uganda but will be 7hrs behind in October.
If you call me in the night and it is not an emergency, I will hack your kachupuli and take you off the Internet. Nange ndi mukoowu.

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