Thursday, April 20, 2017

Are single men luckier than married men in #Uganda?

Issue #27
Before I retract my soul to the lucid interval and qualify for sentencing I need to have a go at married colleagues that keep hitting at us and alleging how we unmarried people are lucky and without problems (call them responsibilities).
Give us a break, did we push you to the altar, bar or wherever you met your spouse?
Before you even think of leaving your spouse to join us who are single and allegedly contented by the way there are some basics that you need to note;
While you buy a bunch a matooke, egoobe, beans and meat at 50000 to take you through a week with your family that is the very amount we spend five times over a weekend when we take our take our Chics and her galmates to Speenar in Entebbe or Eltanjia of Mbale.
If you have ever experienced the excruciating pain of treating gonorrhoea or syphilis, then you will never admire being with no “bonk mate” as Red Pepper puts it. In Mbale we now proudly boast of new and strange diseases like kisununu, enziku, kabotongo, kisipi and the deadly indwasi.
These diseases are generously delivered to us through our sexual networks whose signals are always clear but often intercepted by married people in form of sugar daddies and sugar mummies. If you only knew the cost and pain of treating these monster diseases, you could not admire us. Worst of all, it is you married couples that supply these strange diseases to our campus babes with the lure of niceties. The only consolation is that whenever you give them a new ride, they offer us a lift, when you buy for them flat screens, they dispose their old century belly TV sets to us. In the same spirit, when you give them kabotongo, they also share it with us.
One time I was told a story of one guy from Busiu who could spend half a day in the loos (the truth is that they are not loos but rather the backyard) just to pass urine. He would be injected with a 4”-inch syringe to pass that heavy dose of whatever medicine they use to treat kisununu (a rare sexually transmitted Disease that was spread by the workers of Dot Construction Company when they were making the Tororo-Soroti road. By the way those guys were heartless to make a road that could not last the same years they used to make it).
Back to kisununu person; whenever he was injected with that strong dose, it would take him 3 hours to move the leg on the injected “buttock”
I wish you could stop the ridicule of single ladies because some of you know the pain of procuring an abortion which is illegal in Uganda and all the condemnation, stigma, “mataquating”, “gerrymandering” (Place them in context) that is subjected to one who commits it even under justifiable circumstances.
Whereas you people have dependants, we the singles have parasites. These ones that we have don’t come but to steal, kill and destroy. I do not need to tell you how many mansions have been eaten away by girlfriends and boyfriends from Nandos, Steers, Antonio’s and the swanky super markets if we equated every outing to a bag of cement or iron bar. Do not think that our knowing of those places is because we are hoteliers or have any experience in catering but rather because we spend more on fast foods than we do at Aristoc and the hardware shops. Those birthday gifts we buy frequently is not in celebration of our mothers, wives or children but because our various girlfriends/concubines have decided to celebrate persistent anniversaries.
While you enjoy free intimacy from your spouses, we have to pay highly for a chance to even get a hug or even a smear of a woman’s lipstick on our jackets.
If you only knew how many times I reel with pain when I attend a function and they offer you a seat before me, you could not say we are better. I remember last year at Janet’s wedding reception when they made me relinquish my front seat because the front seats were meant for couples. It could not be anything much if I had not missed the cake which ended just one line before where I was seated. Nothing hurts much like missing a cake.
Married women should give us a break. Do you know how many times you ladies are favored when you go for antenatal with your spouses? Do you think that the singles enjoy the hard-wooden benches while you jump queue just because you moved with your man? Do you think that the single ladies who get pregnant don’t carry the same weight in their belly so that you sway your pair of buttocks past them just because you moved with your "bonk mate"?
Do I even need to tell you the words that we have to put up with from our elderly sengas who keep insisting that we have probably been bewitched and the kojas who think that the sheep actually knocked us over (yatomelwa endiga)?
So, next time you open your mouth to say we don't have responsibilities, you should know that we don't only look after our spouses and children like you do, we have a whole bunch of concubines to mind, we have those sneaking high school girls that we elope with and when we need sex we have to pay handsomely to the patrons at Nandutu on Naboa Road then hire lodges at 5000 in the "United States of Adra" in Maluku.
Some married women should be lucky that their husbands apologize if you caught them with the beautiful maid; these boyfriends never apologize, especially after learning that the number of women has surpassed that of men.
Next time I find someone saying single life is better, I will make sure that I seduce your husband and offer him to one girl I know of who only dates married men. If you’re a man, I will tell you to eat a raw monkey as Leah Nangalama says.

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